This has been a hard week for me. It’s also been a wonderful week. A contradiction? Isn’t everything in life. How is it that after we get everything we ever wanted in life, we become sad because we get the false sense that we are done accomplishing things. I don’t think we are really ever done accomplishing anything but sometimes it seems as though that chapter is closed and now I have to move on. Well maybe I don’t want to move on. What was I doing a year ago today, well let’s see. A year ago today I had just come in from the ski slopes in Vail, Colorado, and yes it was as idyllic as you are right now imagining. My new husband and I were tired but filled with spirit and excitement and alas love. We readied ourselves for dinner and we both looked really lovely, well not him, he looked handsome, I looked lovely. Our valet brought the car around and snow was falling heavy from the night’s sky. It was more beautiful than I had ever imagined, nothing like the Alabama frost that occasionally graced the top of our cars. As we hurried off to diner, living someone else’s life and hopeing no one noticed, it seemed like the dream would never end.
A year later. My husband asked me the other night if I ever thought a year ago that we would be in a new home and expecting our first child at that same time a year later. No. I never thought any of those things. I had spent my life planning for that one day - that one week, and I had never bothered to think past what would happen on December 6th when we got home from our honeymoon. I didn’t really know how to be a wife, how would I have known. I had seen movies and TV shows with wives and of course I had my own mother to look up to, but I had never planned past the honeymoon. I think I did an okay job at first and it only took me two times to master Martha Stewart’s Meatloaf 101. I was doing really well. I began to plan meals for my husband and I to enjoy, I balanced our finances, I planned things for us to do together as a couple and I even packed my husbands things for him when we went out of town. I had seven good months under my belt when I discovered I was pregnant. Seven? That’s all? That’s all. That’s all I was going to get, seven months to become a wife. Well, now what? “Now you have nine months to figure out how you’re going to be a mother”, I said to myself. That seemed fair - two more months than the wife thing.
I stressed at first, and then again the next month, and then the next and so on. As people close to me and people I barely new assured me that I would be a wonderful mother, I wasn’t sure. I know I will love my child, and I already do, check. Ok, so I’ve come that far, I love her. Now what, what do I do with her? What will I teach her? How will I discipline her? How will I provide for her? All valid questions. Ok, so the plan is to just go with the flow and let God be in control. I’m good with that plan, that let’s me relax, something I’m not good at.
So that brings me back to this week. I have reminiscing all week about this same week from last year. What a magical week this will always be. So how come every time I think about our wedding or our honeymoon I cry? I think I’m just sad this year is over, not that I had planned anything past that first week but at least I had this whole year as a cushion. Yesterday was December 4th, last year the fourth was on a Tuesday, and last year we went snow mobile riding through the Rocky Mountains. Yesterday, December 4, 2008, we did not go for a snow mobile ride, yesterday we went to register for our baby. A let down? No, not necessarily. A disappointment? No I wouldn’t say that either. A reality check? Yes, definitely a realty check.
So I guess now we grow up. That sounds funny being 29 & 34 respectively. Weren’t we suppose to already be grown up? Maybe that’s why I’m sad. The honeymoon is over, the baby is on the way and it’s time to grow up. But just last week I sat in my father’s lap with my arm around his neck holding on tight for a goodnight hug. What happens now? Am I in my father’s lap with Nora in mine? How is that going to work? Do I just get shoved to the side, another mother doing dishes in the kitchen - I don’t know if I’m ok with that. Maybe that’s why there have been so many tears, maybe I was just getting use to being a wife, maybe that’s as grown up as I wanted to be for now. Or maybe it’s because I know deep down that if this year went by so quickly our daughter’s first year will go by fast and then the next and the next and all of the sudden she’ll be grown.
So I guess that chapter in our lives is closed. The honeymoon is over, as they say. I said before that I felt like I had come to a stand still because I had accomplished everything in life I had planned. I married the love of my life. That’s a good accomplishment I think. But I’m still standing here, so that must not be all that God has planned for me. I’m glad God is one step ahead because I’m not creative enough to come up with a whole lifetime of things to do. It’s a Friday night and writing you this is all I can think of to do.
Am I still sad? No, now I’m just scared. Being scared is kind of like being sad I guess, it does produce the same action. Crying. But no I’m not sad just scared of facing this new year and all its unknowns. I’m happy too, isn’t there somewhere that says, “Tears of Joy”. I think there is. Maybe that’s what these tears are, tears of joy. Maybe I’m crying tears of joy because my life is now better than I could have ever planned. Everyone is making plans for New Years, but I think we’ll just stay in. According to my calendar our New Year started last Monday, on our anniversary. It was a good year.
I’m not looking for any words of wisdom or advice from people who have been married five, ten or thirty years. I think we’ll just figure this out on our own. I know reliable sources to seek sound advice from when we need it. And I know we will. I just wanted you to know why I’m crying the next time you see me. The death of a honeymoon the fear of an unborn child and the joy from life, all in one year, realized, all in one week.
